Carleton

Today was the first day I spent a considerable amount of time with my family in the past long while. We went out to eat. I guess this speaks to the relationship I have with my parents; I like to keep my distance. But today really made me think.

As we were eating, my mom offered me her knife and fork (which she had been using to eat meat). I declined because I didn’t want to eat with something that had touched meat. My mom told me, “it’s not going to kill [me]”, to which I responded, “no it’s an ethical choice, I know it will not kill me.” My mom went on to tell me that, “it’s not like [I] did anything wrong, [I] used to eat meat when I was growing up.” Thanks for the support, mom! I could see how not using that silverware could be wasteful, had I chosen to use different silverware, but I did not appreciate being told that my choice wasn’t important. The entire conversation felt like a manifestation of how unsupportive of my “choice” my family is (which I feel is really more of an ethical obligation) and even more disappointingly, how unwilling they were to ask questions and attempt to understand my perspective.

Later on in the conversation, my dad brought up Walmart. My parents had (apparently) never been to a Walmart before, until last week when they went. My dad was impressed, saying, “They have everything! From groceries to anything else you can think of.” Now, I consider Walmart to be a terrible company that deprives its employees in the United States fair wages and benefits, as well as deprives them of the ability to unionize, employs and promotes within the organization in a racist and sexist manner, and engages in slave-like behavior with people working in factories in China, to name a few of the things that really bother me. So I brought this up, very casually, saying something like, “don’t they treat their workers kind of badly? Like make it so they can’t unionize and stuff like that?” To which my dad rattled off some story about how a small number of employees sued Walmart for underpaying them and won.

Then, and this is the part felt like someone was shaking me, my dad called someone a “creature” while we were driving home. I believe he was referencing a person of color (who I gendered female).

All of this within an hour and a half. What’s not to love?

I don’t want to make this post a demonization of my parents. They are who they are because of the circumstances in which they were brought up and the environments in which they choose to participate. What made me think about today was not because today was different than other days I spend with my parents, rather because it was very similar to every day I spend with my parents. These are the sorts of things that surround me when I am in their presence. Yet, I rarely do anything about it. The ways I responded today are more or less the strongest critiques of their thoughts I have ever voiced. Why?

Why do I fall so silent with my parents when I openly and fervently attempt to voice these concerns to my peers? There are two main reasons. One, my parents have held an authoritative grip over my entire being for most of my life. They enjoy dictating what I will do and who I will be and attempting to mold me into what they want for me, without regard to who I actually want to be. This leads to reason number two, they don’t listen to me. They don’t engage with me like I am an adult, but like I am a child that will forever only follow the rules they set – because they say so. They think they know what is best for me, regardless of what I want or need. Trying to engage with them is like slamming headfirst into a brick wall.

Which gets me to my last and probably most important point. I do a lot of complaining about Carleton. I do a lot of pointing out what Carleton gets wrong. Because it does get things wrong and I feel the only way to improve them is to call attention to them. But I don’t do this because I hate Carleton (although part of me does sometimes). I do this because I am incredibly invested in Carleton. I do this because despite the pain it has caused me, Carleton helped me become who I am, and I will forever be grateful for that.

So why can I voice concerns to my peers? Because they, for the most part, listen. Because they are, for the most part, open-minded enough to engage in a conversation with me, willing to question, willing to push (with consent when consent is needed). Willing to think then re-think. Because I honestly think most people try at Carleton. Try to be respectful in their own way, try to be critical in their own way. I might not always agree with the way, but hey, that’s what conversation is for! Yes, I have seen my fair share of condescension, but I have also seen a lot of humility, a lot of empathy and a lot of acceptance. I can voice concerns to my peers because they are some of the most responsive people around. Does that mean they are perfect? Absolutely not! But who is? Is perfection what we’re even going for? Absolutely not!

Why can I voice concerns to my peers? Because I know that, for the most part, they will not straight up tell me I am wrong, and when I ask why, tell me “because I say so.” A Carl’s answer is generally (at least somewhat) well thought out and open to questioning. A Carl generally comes at a topic to the best of their ability, within their limited reality. And a Carl is almost always eager to learn more. Though metaphorically clawing at my cocoon, more than ready to break free to the next episode in my life, I am proud to be a part of this community (or sub-communities within the community) because of these things. And I am excited to continue to be who I am in my community because, in the words of our President Rob Oden, “some things must change in order to remain the same.” May Carls remain open, willing to question and re-think, both others and themselves, and respectful to the best of their ability, so that Carleton can change into a place that listens to and truly nurtures all its students.