Truly Progressive News

I have continued to read a lot lately and want to focus on one observation I have found. It is almost moot to go into details about what I have been reading – articles about Wikileaks and Julian Assange’s assault charges, the coming U.S. State of Control, DADT, the DREAM Act - or about what I haven’t been reading – where is the coverage of Bernie Sanders’ spectacular speech on the new taxes bill?! – these issues are being well covered (or well neglected) regardless of whether I write about them or not. Regardless of news source I have noted one thing: the writers I read are overwhelmingly white, male, and upper class. Just reading the contributors to today’s CommonDreams articles reveals this trend. The list of contributors is the following: Tom Engelhardt, Bill McKibben, Tom Andrews, Michelle Chen, Joseph Nevins, Robert Koehler, Andrew Kennis, Glenn Greenwald and Glen Ford. Note: as I am writing this Anna Brown and Laura Flanders were added to the views reel.

What do we see here? Seven white men, two white women, one black man, and one Asian woman. All authors are seemingly from the United States (although I have not done extensive research), are currently in the United States and are writing about the United States. Accordingly, 64% of the viewpoints shared come from people whose experience and social identities that are not only acknowledged as “normal” but propped up through the continual playing out of society’s dominant ideologies – to be white and male is to be better than everyone else because we say so, again and again and again. To be sure, one’s identity and one’s ideology do not have to be the same – I consider myself to be a white person dealing with issues of white privilege, seeking to hold anti-racist values and commit anti-racist acts. That said, I will be the first to acknowledge how limited I am in my ability to speak to the oppression of people of color. Similarly, I recognize that I am in no position to dictate how to mitigate and one day abolish the manifestations of racism. Similarly, I wonder about the limitations of these men’s’ perspectives even though they are written from a supposedly “radical,” “progressive” or “Leftist” viewpoint.

The articles written by these white men contain opinions and information about the following: fear, Wikileaks and Assange, and the current conservatism of the U.S. government. Their perspective strikes me not as “objective” but as focused on politics and the political implications of current events. They are focused on Republicans who do evil and “the American Empire.” Generally they are either focused on taxes or on shifts in discourse – topics that are based in the quantitative and analytic, such as economics or linguistics or political philosophy.

In contrast, the two articles by writers of color take political issues and apply a racial lends to them. For example, Michelle Chen’s article focuses on the DREAM Act and the contradiction inherent in having a stagnant economy accompany anti-immigration sentiments and policies. This article is very clearly related to something quantitative and analytic yet it also applies a lens that perhaps a white man would not immediately apply. Similarly, Glen Ford takes a topic covered by white men, fear and U.S. governmental “national security,” and writes a piece on the FBI’s fabricated “terrorist plots” that target black and brown men (or “Muslim-looking” men) who are wholly innocent prior to FBI intervention. Here again we see a topic covered from a different – and entirely necessary – angle.

But let us not forget our latecomers. Laura Flanders (Britain-born U.S. transplant) writes briefly about the nearly sadistic turn of events in England, where a bailed out bank threw a party for Harry Potter amidst student protests about increased college tuition. Meanwhile, Anna Brown writes about peace activists sentenced to ten years in prison for walking around at a military base in Washington. Both topics fall outside of the realm of strictly political but both have political implications (Really? They threw a party for Harry Potter? He isn’t even real!).

Only one article was about a country other than the United States. Only one article was written about peace and activism, and even that article has a sad ending. Were there any articles about queer issues? No. Were there any issues about disability issues? No. Ageism? No. Sizeism? No. The list could go on. Do the authors write about issues pertaining to them based on their social identities? I think that a case can certainly be made for the writers of color – perhaps too for the white women writing. For white men, examining the articles affirms that their social identities are “invisible”. As their writing becomes more abstracted and focused on government, it becomes less about them - individuals whose identities help or hinder them as they move through the world.

But what can we make of all of this? Even in “progressive” circles historically dominant voices are given more airtime. Even on the “Left” we see voices intentionally or unintentionally silenced through lack of publicity – the ultimate irony when that same sector of people seeks the pursuit of truth and the openness of dialogue. Even as we seek justice, we may leave aside those so powerless that they are forgotten even by us. Even in our struggles for resistance, we may fail to resist all of the ways we are colonized. Why is it that we continue to listen to the same voices we have heard throughout all of time?

To make a bold claim, I propose it continues to be not what one knows but who one is that enables them to be heard. I have nothing against the insights of any type of people – I believe everyone has something to contribute to the world and to their community. I would merely like to suggest that it is time for some of us to grow and to learn when to listen. Far from pigeon-holing myself into writing about one topic, I hope to gain the tools to write articulately about a wide-array of topics including race, sex, gender, ability status, systems of government, societies of control. In the future of progressive news, I hope to see explanations of the connections between these things from people with all types of social identities. I hope that these views can be shared equitably and given equitable amounts of attention, space and critical examination. Most importantly, I hope to learn how and when to listen. Maybe then at least the realm of ideas will be a meritocracy.

American Isolationism

I read a quote recently about depression and Americanism. The central claim was that, when isolated from a group, the Americanized individual turns inward. In doing so, they continue their isolation - that is the great quandary, that to be an American individual is to see oneself as the captain of one's own ship, so to speak. This creates the (false) notion that one can single-handedly determine one's future. This is false - despite Americans being fed this from their earliest moments, they still spend so much time operating in groups (collaborating or not).

The quote was from AdBusters, a magazine that juxtaposes advertisements, spoofs of these advertisements, and articles to make statements about American consumerism and culture (working off of the framework that consumerism defines American culture). The magazine was given to me as a gift - I had never even heard of it before - but of course my more plugged-in progressive friends knew it well. The magazine was great - it definitely had it's own perspective to share and agenda to push - and I thoroughly enjoyed reading the various articles and viewpoints. It was a great starting point to my exploration of news and politics and, most importantly, was a great gift.

So began my quest for news. Due to my lack of enthusiasm for my current work situation, I thought reading about current events from a progressive/radical perspective could be a nice way to inject some meaning into my dull 8-hour cut-and-paste sessions. This has proven true - I have read a lot over the past week, especially yesterday, and am trying to keep current on viewpoints about war, national security and economic inequality in particular. Because of all of the hubub around Comcast and Net Neutrality I've been trying to look into that as well. The articles I've read have been at times overly apocalyptic but in general thoughtful, articulate responses to more mainstream viewpoints I could get almost anywhere (one article said something to the effect of "the New York Times has been compromised" - I thought that was an interesting assertion). But what began as a thirst for knowledge has become slightly soured by my mood.

As previously disclosed, many of the articles could be seen by some as overly critical or negative - they tell poverty and inequality like it is. This is admirable as many people would prefer to ignore this reality and move on with their capitalistic lives. That said, given enough time, these articles tend to bog me down. They are all the same - they point out problems and try to call attention to their horrendousness - which while I admire (I have frequently been the nail hammered down when it comes to speaking out about injustice) can be ineffectual if no solutions are provided or any roadmap put forth for discussion.

Perhaps there are communities debating these things but in the circles I run in - of which there aren't many - these things are rarely discussed. I respect the opinions of my coworkers greatly and I think they would probably be willing to confront these things if they were considered less taboo, but I frequently find their opinions (or perhaps the physical office space) lacking the space for a more engaged discussion that engages opinions and not just regurgitating the opinions of ABC, CBS and CNN. With my opinions I often feel the odd person out. I also have a very particular way of communicating my ideas which is perhaps easier swallowed by some than others.

So I often find myself turned inward. About my future, about my place in a larger movement for justice, about my social identities and my place in groups, and about my mood and how people perceive me. I find that I lack certain social commonalities to people my age (I don't really like going out to drink and dance, I don't really want to "be cool," I love reading and discussing books, articles, music, anything!) So, it's not that I don't want to engage in community so much as lacking the know-how. Excuses, excuses.

There are large bodies of scholarly research that suggest the American ideal of individuality is harmful. We see this when we study suburbs (something can also be said about policing in this context) as well as when we study anything related to psychology. But I am not here to discuss that (though if someone wants to I would be more than happy to - anything to get my mind thinking again) - I suppose I am more questioning community, how we form it, who has access, how communities coalesce in terms of social order, and what community exists that would not only accept but embrace all parts of myself. I am questioning my readiness for such a community, should it exist (am I ready to embrace all parts of others?). And I am looking for alternatives to these structures that uphold American Isolationism.

TSA and the Privilege of Passing

I am flying later today and I won't lie to you, I'm nervous. I've been reading a lot about the new scanning machines being placed into airport security as well as the new pat-down procedures allowed by the Transportation Security Administration and I'm underwhelmed by their promises of enhanced security. Even the mainstream media (they never agree with me! What is the world coming to?!) agrees that they are a very controversial matter - one that I will admit is being used to divert attention away from other, larger economic and societal concerns - and has highlighted various concerns that the new procedures engender. One concern is the fact that these "porno-machines," create "a high res version of your nude flabby body" (link is here). Others wag fingers at TSA for subjecting citizens to unsafe x-ray radiation equipment (Ralph Nader says so, and he's been a consumer advocate for years). Some are convinced that the procedures are in direct violation of the Constitution (Amendment 4 is usually cited).

I'm not arguing against any of these things. I think things have gone too far in the name of "national security," but I don't want to simply rehash what others have said. I think there is more to say. Not only do the new TSA scanning and frisking procedures infringe upon the public's basic human rights and dignities, they also provide another mechanism for instilling fear into and policing bodies deemed "deviant" by traditional American society.

Now is the time to tap deep down into your pathos. I think you know what I'm talking about when I say bodies deemed "deviant." When we are told to "dress to impress," what does that look like? I can think of an idea, I can think of a body that goes along with that idea, and I can think of things that are not that idea or that body. Thus, it is within a system of punishments and benefits based on adherence to identity-based rules and values that one must "pass" or face the consequences.

As a someone who is not gender-conforming (for a really simple definition, go here) I know on a day-to-day basis what it means to "pass" or conversely, to not pass. It's not some abstract concept - although academics like to make it that way - it's my lived reality. Do I pass today? The answer is usually no, because I'm not trying to "pass" as anything. And as such, I get punished. It is when I am scowled at on the street or when I try to make eye contact with others, it is denied. It is when my mom asks me if I "want to be a boy" because I wear "only boys clothing" (which is not true, by the way). It is the fear of or contempt toward shopping because I don't know which side of the store to shop on. It is the assumption that I must like women, and only women, and all women, so watch out, because I'm queer as fuck and I'm coming for you (women). This is my lived reality of not passing.

There are other ways I could not pass - in an airport setting especially. For a transsexual person, I would assume that traveling can only be seen as a huge nightmare. But for me, a day spent traveling is just a little more stressful than a normal day. This is my privilege, the privilege that my state driver's license picture looks like me, the privilege that I have not had to petition the state to change my name on my legal documents in order to procure a plane ticket and the privilege that I will not be second guessed or misgendered when handing a public officer my identification (although this has happened). This is my lived reality of passing as cissexual.

Beyond gender identity, I am White and atheist (do atheists look different than Christians? a digression worth pondering), so I don't need to worry about that. My Whiteness, which has taught me a white way of speaking and moving, that probably most goes unnoticed. This is my privilege, the privilege that no one will assume I am Muslim, the privilege that no one will assume I am carrying drugs with me. It is the privilege that no one will assume that I was born outside of the United States and no one will assume that I do not have the money or the right to be there. It is the privilege that having to stand for 5-7 seconds unaided is an annoyance and possibly a health risk down the line, but little more. It is the privilege of having a body that enables me to choose between sexual assault and an x-ray machine (though I'm with the people who would argue that neither is a great choice). This, too, is my lived reality of passing.

But forget about me. Come to think of it, let's forget about more than just me. Let's forget that transsexual people, people of color and people with disabilities face all kinds of discrimination and policing in their everyday life. Let's focus in on airport security. In the Nader article, he makes the argument that the new "pat-down" procedures are a scare tactic to enforce the use of the scanning machines. But what if the use of the scanning machine is undesirable or impossible? What about the trans woman who is stuffing her bras to "pass" in the airport? Will she be groped and have her breasts removed as the flight attendant with a prosthetic breast was (story here)? What will that feel like?

What about the teenager with an arrhythmia who is asked to step through the x-ray machine? Will they be groped because they refused to step into the machine (which would destroy their pacemaker and potentially their heart)? (Yes) What about people who use a wheelchair? (Yes) What about people who use a cane? (Yes) Those who can't stand for 5-7 seconds without aid? (Yes)

What we see here is the systematic punishment of people whose bodies are not "how they are supposed to be." This means not White. This means not "able." This means not cissexual. This punishment occurs in several ways. One punishment is the punishment of fear - even if one is not picked to go through the line, it would not surprise me that America's history of colonization, enslavement, racism, and islamophobia will play a role the anxiety levels of people of color and Muslim people as they near the new scanners. There is also the fear of racial profiling - which has not been proven nonexistent. Additionally, there is fear of being outed as trans through the use of the scanner (which picks up things as small and frivolous as hair elastics). Another punishment is the punishment of disobedience. Essentially, this means the following: "You do not conform? You must pay!" We see this in the trans person's fear - the fear of being outed and delegitimized - as well as the forced assault on people with disabilities who must pay simply because the world is not made for them - and how dare they. As a person who passes in most (if not all) of these ways, I am outraged that my fellow humans would ever be punished this way.

To bring this back into context, I am not arguing that the use of these machines and "pat-downs" is humane. Of course it is not. It would be degrading for anyone, regardless of age, disability status, race, class, gender, sexual orientation, gender identity, creed, hair color, or food preference to be sexually assaulted by public official (how do you think they feel?). But more than just this point, to me, this reeks of policing on more levels than just airports. This is about identity and privilege. This is about oppression and (hopefully) resistance.

So I recognize the policing. I recognize the tools of oppression. And I want to resist them. But I'll ask you one question: am I thinking twice, making sure my clothing for tonight is as "gender appropriate" as I can muster? As my Minnesotan colleagues like to put it, "Oh, you betcha."


Update: For more trans-friendly information about traveling, please see this website.

NaNoWriMo

I've been feeling very disorganized lately - supremely so. I've been having trouble focusing at work and trouble motivating myself to do things that aren't looking toward what I would like to do in the future. Kind of grim.

I'm not sure where all of the grimness is coming from. Sure, getting kicked out of my place took its toll. That ticket did too, and cemented my eternal hatred for Minnesota. But really I think my soul-crushing office job is what is really getting to me. I am sure it is perfect for someone but it's very clear to me that I am not that person. I spend most of my time sitting in front of a computer screen thinking about mundane tasks and details. I rarely interact in a meaningful way with anyone, though sometimes I truly value my coworkers, and rarely think about the Big Picture Ideas that get me all excited. To make matters worse, when I get "home" I cook dinner and feel exhausted. Also, I feel like I never have any time to myself anymore. It's kind of like there is never any silence in my life anymore. I have come to realize how dearly I need that silence.

But anyway, that's not the main point of my post. I wanted to talk about NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month (more info here: LINK). I've known about it for years and years now. Ever since I gained an online presence, which I suppose was when I was in 9th or 10th grade of high school, I've known about the event. That said, I've never participated. It seems great - a great and rewarding challenge.

Maybe I lack confidence in my creativity. Maybe I lack confidence in my ability to follow through. I do know that I am afraid my story wouldn't be well thought out, wouldn't go anywhere, there wouldn't be character development, etc. I am much more comfortable writing something like a journal entry. When I need to create someone (or heaven forbid multiple someones), they usually end up hitting a bit too close to home. Narcissistic? Hopefully not. I take it as a sign that I like to write what I know. Fantasy is a terrifying leap off into the unknown. Yes, I feel like I would have to research for at least a month prior to November to actually have the information necessary to actually write a novel in November.

The last big writing project I undertook was years ago. A (former) friend and I planned to write two novels, each of us writing a chapter at a time. We wouldn't tell the other our intended path for our section, we just had to write something and pass it along. Our stories actually started out quite interestingly - and differently - though one definitely sounded like a Chuck Palahniuk novel. It was a good exercise in creativity, as well as perspective-taking. Anyway, I think we ended up only getting through two or three chapters. The files are all on my old computer, which I gave to a friend and was later stolen. Too bad.

I thought about NaNoWriMo because a friend from college is participating this year. I've always admired people who end up finishing their novels - hell, even people who start and write every day. I think it's a really amazing feat - the definition of a novel is 50,000 words. That's a lot of pages. That's a lot of hours.

It brings up an interesting point. I'm not sure anyone with Admission Possible would be able to complete the task. It's the beginning of college applications, as well as the beginning of Kaplan training. Essentially, everyone is very busy getting students into college. It's not unheard of for people to work 11 hour days. Who is NaNoWriMo for? Although, who is the Internet for, really? I am lucky to have lived in places that have da webz, but if I were just living alone somewhere, I don't know how I would get online. At coffee shops?

Maybe I'll start my own NaNoWriMo and not tell anyone.

After a Long Hiatus

I can't seem to keep up this blog shindig. That is not to say I've given up, just that I hope to rise to the challenge of a weekly (or monthly) post - be on the lookout for that.

To summarize my life since my last post, graduation occurred, I started my AmeriCorps position at Admission Possible, committing myself to Minnesota for at least 12 months. At Admission Possible, I was selected to serve on a board of AmeriCorps members called the InterCorps Council (henceforth referred to as the ICC) - oh yeah, and elections are happening as we speak.

AmeriCorps
So what's up with AmeriCorps? There are three types of AmeriCorps positions - State, VISTA, and NCCC. I'm a State AmeriCorps member, which means a few things. For example, I can elect to pursue another job outside of my position at Admission Possible, whereas this is prohibited in the VISTA contract. I also have a set amount of hours I must complete by the end of my term, unlike VISTAs, who have seemingly sold their souls away for one year. Lastly, to mention the last branch of AmeriCorps, I am housed in a building and must find my own housing and food, unlike NCCC, whose primary task is to provide disaster relief - Corps members participating in NCCC live in bunks together, travel frequently, and are given food as part of their experience.

If you're reading this and pause to think, "Huh, well...what does that mean you actually do?" Good question! What I do really has more to do with the non-profit organization I serve with than the larger structure of AmeriCorps itself.

Oh, and if you're wondering about my "salary" and "benefits," they're not good. I am technically unemployed, I receive a living allowance, and the health benefits are unimpressive.

Admission Possible
So Admission Possible. The mission of Admission Possible is to help low-income students get into college by providing ACT preparation and college counseling services. That said, you're probably still thinking, "so what - what do you do?!" I'll get there. Stick with me.

So, the structure of my branch of the organization is as follows: approximately 20 staff are paid full-time to work in the offices, performing organizational and managerial tasks, for example supervising AmeriCorps members (of which there are approximately 60). Most AmeriCorps members, then, spend the bulk of their time in high schools - they are assigned students, who they help with ACT preparation their Junior year and college applications and financial aid their Senior year.

But if you thought I just shared what I do, think again! No no, I am one of the exceptions, a coveted few whose primary role is not to interact directly with students. I am the Consortium Member, meaning I manage relationships between Admission Possible and four colleges who have paid a chunk of change to gain special access to our students. This means I get to know Travis, Keith, Chuck, and Jess (admissions representatives), and make sure that they get what they need. I help orchestrate campus visits, plan large events (college fairs), distribute information to other AmeriCorps members pertinent to Consortium schools, monitor and process applications to schools, and am currently performing intake for a new Program Coordinator position in our office. In addition, I am currently researching student resources, services and programming for low-income students at other colleges and universities. One could say I wear many hats.

I am not, however, alone in the office. Far from it, Cubeland (the area where my cubicle is located) is a lively area, filled with the laugther of myself as well as three of my colleagues who perform similar administrative/organizational tasks. This is a double edged sword, for reasons I will save for a later post.

ICC
As I mentioned earlier, in addition to my work at Admission Possible, I was chosen (I did turn in an application, they didn't just anoint me) to serve on a council of AmeriCorps members from organizations across the state of Minnesota. To be honest from the getgo, If I had known what I was getting into when I signed up, I probably wouldn't have carried through with my initial ambitions. That said, I will recount some of the events occuring via this wonderful opportunity.

To begin our ICC year, we had a day-long retreat, to which I showed up half an hour late, much to my chagrin. At any rate, the day was long, and somehow I managed not only to switch committees I was placed on, but also to be elected the Chair of my committee (the Education/Training Committee). None of this answers what the ICC does. That's because the ICC is still a bit of an illusive creation in my mind.

Members of the council are split up into one of 5 committees (one being the President and Vice President). The other four committees are: Service, Networking/Social, Communications, and Education/Training. As the Chair of the Education/Training committee, let me be the first to tell you that it is our goal to further the professional development of Corps members (ICC and non) through educational trainings and opportunities. The Service committee arranges service opportunities, the Communications team communicates the goals and accomplishments of the ICC to the larger Corps and Minnesota world, and the Networking/Social helps people be social and network. Whoo! What's our budget, you ask? If I told you to draw a half circle, then draw the rest of the half circle, would you be able to guess the number you just drew?

At any rate, I will refrain, again, from my more opinion comments, though my descriptions are already laden with opinions, if only because I am pressed for time. But rest assured, more on this!

Elections 2010
Lastly, and most (or least) consequentially, elections! They are happening right now! At this point, all I have is my gut reaction, which is something like, "Boo! :(" I hope that in the future, all people will be able to see the leaps and bounds traveled and actions taken by the current government, as well as acknowledge the limitations of that government and the American political process.

I will also add that the Tea Party Movement scares me. I'm shakin' in my boots over here. But then another part of me says, "Bring It On!"

Letters I Will Never Send, Part 1

I decided to start something new on the blog, to infuse some spark into it. My thinking is that perhaps if I have different posting options, I'll be more likely to write something, anything, and actually post it online. So, this (maybe) series is titled "Letters I Will Never Send" where I'll post, you guessed it, letters I will never send to the people I address the letter to.

To start off, I decided to write a letter to Bill O'Reilly. Since I've found myself with ample amounts of free time, I thought I would try to understand important political issues from "other perspectives." Part of this project is watching Bill O'Reilly's talking points. Here's what I have to say to Bill:

Dear Bill O'Reilly,

Okay, I get it. You are a performer and it is your job to convince the laypeople to support the neo-conservative capitalist patriarchal racist ableist heterosexist transphobic ageist agenda. I don't know if you believe what you say or not, but I do know that if I say something enough times, I start thinking what I've said is true. I'm sorry if this has happened to you.

Here's the thing. I think the common person has the ability to be incredibly intelligent and you're keeping them down. When you spoon feed them shit like "organizations can't hold people accountable because bigotry is human nature," I get angry. I mean really, why can't organizations hold people accountable? Is bigotry human nature? I suppose it's an easy cop-out for you; you no longer have to be accountable for the bullshit legislation that takes away unemployment benefits for millions of people as the result of your propaganda, You no longer have to be accountable for hate crimes because, well, racism is just human nature, and those crack heads just deserved it anyway for being lazy and culturally designed to evade jobs. That's why the hard working white laborers of Amurrrika shouldn't have health insurance, because people will just take advantage of it?!

Well, let me tell you something, Bill. Fuck you. Fuck what you do to the American public. Because people will believe what's easy when the alternatives are figuring out derivatives, which even people working on Wall Street have admitted is complicated as shit, that way they can charge whatever they want. Fuck you for telling people that racism "goes both ways." That's negating years of torture, enslavement, and the legacy of genocide. Racism doesn't "go both ways," Billy. Fuck you for distorting reality through "facts," which you never cite, or if you do, they stem from what someone else on Fox News has said, because you can't prove that 50% of the crime in Arizona directly results from illegal immigration or is perpetuated by undocumented immigrants. Did you know that crime is down in Arizona? Of course you did, but that doesn't help your indoctrination project does it.

In conclusion, I see that you're a performer. I notice that your job is to amuse and provide edutainment. That's the world we live in, and the entrepreneur in me tips my hat to you, because you're very successful. But it's easy to sell people something they want: easy solutions for the short term. And I see what you really think of the average American: you think they're not smart enough to see through you. Well, Billy-O, I do, and I think they do, too. I think they do and they will as this economy continues to destroy the middle and working classes while allowing big corporations to get away with murder (consider this my obligatory BP reference). Blah blah blah blah shut up.

Soliciting Feedback

I wrote this earlier today and was wondering if it's any good/what y'all think.

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I used to play softball. More than play softball, I ate, slept, and breathed it; every day I would wake up and think about softball, move through the day getting ready for practice, mentally preparing during class, envisioning the perfect catch, sneaking by the catcher last minute, stuff like that.

I carried this obsession with me to college, where I practiced from September to April, devoting hours of my time each week to team practices and even more for improving my skills on my own.

The only problem was, as I started settling into college, my mind began to wander from softball to other things. I would walk by my campus’ community action center thinking, “Wow! Those programs look so cool! Maybe I’ll do that when the season winds down.” In this office, program directors coordinated great volunteer projects like working in a local prison teaching prison inmates nonviolent communication skills, protecting the environment through picking up trash, tutoring at the local middle school, and volunteering with Habitat for Humanity. I tried to be peripherally involved, but with softball and a rigorous academic schedule, I just didn’t have the time.

Since I didn’t have time, I did my best to ignore any additional inkling I had to pursue community service and focused on softball. All of my time spent with softball culminated in a spring break trip to Florida with my team, where we were to play half of our season in a week and a half. Spring break rolled around and I was excited for a chance to bond with my team and finally start my collegiate softball career. The week began and I did “the softball thing”: catching, running, jumping, throwing, batting, “softball stuff.” Things were going well, our team had won a few more games than expected and I was batting and fielding well. We entered our last game optimistic despite knowledge that our opponents were well known for being an overall strong team. The game progressed uneventfully, with a few hits on both sides. When it was my turn to bat, I approached the plate, swung my bat, and hit the ball. Immediately, I started to run toward first base, touching it and moving on toward second. My coach yelled, “Slide!” and so I did, preparing to touch second base.

Then, the big moment happened. As I slid into second base, I felt my ankle compress against the hard cleat of the opposing shortstop and heard a faint popping sound – the shortstop crumpled to the group beside me and I lay there, in shock, waiting for what would happen next.

What happened next, in short, was that I learned I had torn my ACL, the anterior cruciate ligament in my left knee. What followed was a term of hobbling around, pretending I was healthy while unable to balance on my left foot or run. After this term of lethargy and inability to play the sport I loved, I returned to my home for surgery.

What ensued was an affair. Before the surgery, I had to sign all sort of papers clarifying that in the event of a mishap I wouldn’t sue. My entire left leg was numbed and I was given a sedative so everything felt kind of happy and far away. As I entered the operating room, I remember thinking, “It sure is cold in here.”

Hours later, I awoke and was driven home, where I was assigned the couch in my living room as a bed. This was to be my new living space for the two months, where I lay watching movies and listening to music in between naptime. For the first month, I was unable to walk without crutches, and just weeks after surgery I began the physical therapy exercises provided to me pre-surgery. These exercises were a welcome break from the monotony of staring into space and feeling too hot due to lack of air conditioning.

This monotony of being threw me headfirst into some serious soul searching. The inklings of desire to pursue community service I first felt in college rang louder and louder in my head as I continually asked myself, “What would I want to do, right now, if I could get up off this couch?” and found the answer to be, again and again, “I would pursue activities that connect me to the realities of the world around me.” I began to doubt my steadfast devotion to softball and the ways it deprived me of the full knowledge of the world. More importantly, I realized, it deprived me of my desire to learn more about the world and find ways to show how much I cared about the fates of others. After much thought, I decided. If that’s really what I wanted to pursue, I should pursue it, not softball. So I quit.

That decision was the most monumental one I’ve ever made. That may sound trite, but when I quit, my dad told me, “This is the most disappointing decision you have ever made.” But freeing up this time was essential for pursuing more altruistic, and frankly, interesting work, like service learning and volunteering.

There are many other moments that define who I am today. For example, my decision to work at my school’s Gender and Sexuality Center exposed me to the psychological dangers of institutionalized marginalization of LGBT people and survivors of sexual assault. My work with prison inmates through Alternatives to Violence Project has exposed me to the socioeconomic realities some must contend with, revealed to me the humanity in all people and exposed me to the importance of humility and honest compassion. My work with low-income middle school students has taught me that given support and sufficient resources, anyone can succeed. These projects are all vastly important to the development of my character. But without that one blip in my life, that one opportunity to reflect on who I was and who I wanted to be, I never would have had those opportunities, because I wouldn’t have had the time.

Years later, the scars remain and my knee still aches when it rains. My flexibility may never be where it was my first year of college and my right quadriceps may always be larger than my left one. Those three summer months between my first and second years of college were miserable and I would never want to relive them. But I would never want that time or energy back, given what I have received from tearing my ACL, ever. My work engaging with my community has provided opportunities softball never could have, and I have never looked back, not one single day, and regretted my decision to quit softball and start caring about the world around me.
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Honesty is appreciated. Thanks!

Haikus/Communcation

So it's nearing the end of the term and I'm nearing the end of my wits. I've been in a lot of conflict situations recently, which I see as the culmination of a term spent either ignoring or musing over my relationships with others at this school. I'm not surprised, but I am frustrated. I'm very tired of having the same sorts of conversations about communication, because I think everyone by now knows it should be happening.

That doesn't mean it does happen. And frankly, I am sick of being a scapegoat and outlet for the anger of others. If you're mad at me and haven't said anything, it's your fault. Even if you have said something to me, that doesn't make it my problem.

Plus, how does communication really work when there's a power difference between the two (or more) parties conversing? Are we still talking about dialogue then? What's being communicated? How safe is the communication? What happens when communication has been happening, but there's no listening involved? What if communication becomes a verbal form of wheel spinning that gets us nowhere productive because it's never translated into action? These are questions I would like answered in my conversations about communication.

Anyway, I don't want this to devolve into an angry rant. Then this blog would just turn into a new Livejournal. Please. I'm good without that.

So here are some haikus. And if you've got beef, bring it.

write only haikus
looking for another view
why is this so hard?

communication
as it is five syllables
no wonder it's hard

I look at the chair
what a pile of bullshit
I rock back and forth

I have some bad tape
I use it; it doesn't stick
next time I'll choose rice

Squints does the butt dance
I am sitting on my bed
where is the panda?

Seriously, though. I'm looking for some nuance.

Hook Up Culture

So it's been a while. Again. It seems like that's how it is at Carleton - there is never enough time to do all of the things I want to do and spend time focusing on all of the things I care about. Comps is looming, being a GSCA is time-consuming, cooking for my house has proved more tiresome than worthwhile recently, trying to find a job for the ever looming After Carleton is stressful to even think about, and for my mental heath I feel compelled to commodify my life via "exercise." What's up with that, Carleton?

I feel like I don't have time to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. When I do have free time, I spend it wasting away on facebook or listening to music - I need that time to be myself and intentionally not do anything. Which then feeds that little voice Carleton has cultivated in my head, which whispers, "But you aren't doing anything. What about your comps? What about sending more e-mails to job prospects? You didn't go to the gym yesterday." Vicious cycle continues.

It's times like this where I wish things would move just a little slower. I have all of these things I want to write about on this blog, things that can't and won't get the attention they need through Carleton. I frequently wonder how other Carls do it; I mean, I get everything I need to done at the end of the day, but at what cost? In comparison to some of my classmates, who I see pulling all-nighters and drinking tons of coffee, I get a lot of sleep and spend relatively little time on school work. But I don't really see the consequences this self-imposed destruction anywhere or hear people talking about it, either.

I also worry that this atmosphere facilitates one dependent upon drugs and alcohol to "escape." It seems like a reasonable response to the workload Carleton gives me; isn't there the saying "work hard, play hard"? I know that, when I was younger and part of several "party scenes," I drank a lot. Way too much. Sometimes it was fun, for sure, but I found that just as often I felt lonely or disappointed at the end of the night. People were all very friendly, but I never felt connected to the thirty-some other people in the room. Conversation seemed limited to "Haaaaaaaaay." I feel like it also heightened the palpability of "hook up" culture at Carleton. I remember being in some rooms, most notably several Sayles dances, and having the sexual desire hum around me in the atmosphere; it felt alive, almost tangible. It made me tense and uncomfortable firstly because I've never been a hook-up kind of person, which is my own preference and I wouldn't hold anyone else to that standard, and two because, as a queer student, I could tell that none of it was for me. Queer students were not hooking up at these dances.

To clarify my position on hook ups, I think they can be done in a safe and healthy manner. I don't want to debate this. What I will contest, though, is the reality that on Carleton's campus, hook ups happen in a safe and healthy manner. I simply don't think this is true. Three Carls got kicked off campus last year because of sexual assault and harrassment charges. I think one of the biggest misconceptions of sexual violence is that it's the result of a few evil people, anomalies that do not represent the society or culture as a whole. I think that's not true, although there certainly may be a few evil people out there. I think, though, that more often than not, sexual situations are fraught with "awkwardness" because for many people sex has been a taboo subject throughout their upbringing. At Carleton, this is no exception, especially because part of our "quirky" image lends to "awkwardness" and the seemingly inevitable conclusion that all Carls are "awkward" in some way or another.

So when people are "awkward," they might not be communicating as well as they need to be to have a safe and pleasurable experience. Alcohol only fuels and heightens this "awkardness" and makes all sorts of communication-related things very murky, especially for things people may not have experienced before and may not have the vocabulary to talk about to begin with. What I'm not saying is that alcohol shouldn't be on Carleton's campus, nor that Carleton students shouldn't drink. I think people have the right to choose whatever they want to do with themselves.

I guess what I'm questioning is the academic pressure Carleton provides its students, which may or may not lead students to make unhealthy choices. I'm questioning whether Carleton's available resources to alleviate this pressure are adequate and healthy. I'm questioning the "hook up" culture at Carleton because it doesn't work for me.

Also, I'm going to put in a plug for my radio show. 2 pm Sunday afternoons on KRLX 88.1 fm (a service of Carleton College in Northfield, MN)! I promise Lady Gaga. Every single show. Gaga.

Youtube!

I am back at Carleton! Break passed quickly and tumultuously the past week, and now I'm back in the stressful scene that is academia. I thought, in light of this, I would post some of the Youtube videos that got me through break and may very well get me through the next two terms.

Puppies!


Kitties!


Maru and the Big Box!


Puppy on the Stairs!


World's Cutest Kitten! (This is debatable but I think it's rly darn cute!)


Chinchilla with Raisin!


Another Cute Kitten!


That's all for now - I'm taking a class called Multicultural Education this term and it looks amazing! The reading I have for tomorrow is long but basically about the assumptions we make that serve to reinforce invisible social norms and continue to assign pejorative meaning to that which is labeled "different."

So yeah! Happy beginning of term, everyone!