So it's been a while. Again. It seems like that's how it is at Carleton - there is never enough time to do all of the things I want to do and spend time focusing on all of the things I care about. Comps is looming, being a GSCA is time-consuming, cooking for my house has proved more tiresome than worthwhile recently, trying to find a job for the ever looming After Carleton is stressful to even think about, and for my mental heath I feel compelled to commodify my life via "exercise." What's up with that, Carleton?
I feel like I don't have time to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. When I do have free time, I spend it wasting away on facebook or listening to music - I need that time to be myself and intentionally not do anything. Which then feeds that little voice Carleton has cultivated in my head, which whispers, "But you aren't doing anything. What about your comps? What about sending more e-mails to job prospects? You didn't go to the gym yesterday." Vicious cycle continues.
It's times like this where I wish things would move just a little slower. I have all of these things I want to write about on this blog, things that can't and won't get the attention they need through Carleton. I frequently wonder how other Carls do it; I mean, I get everything I need to done at the end of the day, but at what cost? In comparison to some of my classmates, who I see pulling all-nighters and drinking tons of coffee, I get a lot of sleep and spend relatively little time on school work. But I don't really see the consequences this self-imposed destruction anywhere or hear people talking about it, either.
I also worry that this atmosphere facilitates one dependent upon drugs and alcohol to "escape." It seems like a reasonable response to the workload Carleton gives me; isn't there the saying "work hard, play hard"? I know that, when I was younger and part of several "party scenes," I drank a lot. Way too much. Sometimes it was fun, for sure, but I found that just as often I felt lonely or disappointed at the end of the night. People were all very friendly, but I never felt connected to the thirty-some other people in the room. Conversation seemed limited to "Haaaaaaaaay." I feel like it also heightened the palpability of "hook up" culture at Carleton. I remember being in some rooms, most notably several Sayles dances, and having the sexual desire hum around me in the atmosphere; it felt alive, almost tangible. It made me tense and uncomfortable firstly because I've never been a hook-up kind of person, which is my own preference and I wouldn't hold anyone else to that standard, and two because, as a queer student, I could tell that none of it was for me. Queer students were not hooking up at these dances.
To clarify my position on hook ups, I think they can be done in a safe and healthy manner. I don't want to debate this. What I will contest, though, is the reality that on Carleton's campus, hook ups happen in a safe and healthy manner. I simply don't think this is true. Three Carls got kicked off campus last year because of sexual assault and harrassment charges. I think one of the biggest misconceptions of sexual violence is that it's the result of a few evil people, anomalies that do not represent the society or culture as a whole. I think that's not true, although there certainly may be a few evil people out there. I think, though, that more often than not, sexual situations are fraught with "awkwardness" because for many people sex has been a taboo subject throughout their upbringing. At Carleton, this is no exception, especially because part of our "quirky" image lends to "awkwardness" and the seemingly inevitable conclusion that all Carls are "awkward" in some way or another.
So when people are "awkward," they might not be communicating as well as they need to be to have a safe and pleasurable experience. Alcohol only fuels and heightens this "awkardness" and makes all sorts of communication-related things very murky, especially for things people may not have experienced before and may not have the vocabulary to talk about to begin with. What I'm not saying is that alcohol shouldn't be on Carleton's campus, nor that Carleton students shouldn't drink. I think people have the right to choose whatever they want to do with themselves.
I guess what I'm questioning is the academic pressure Carleton provides its students, which may or may not lead students to make unhealthy choices. I'm questioning whether Carleton's available resources to alleviate this pressure are adequate and healthy. I'm questioning the "hook up" culture at Carleton because it doesn't work for me.
Also, I'm going to put in a plug for my radio show. 2 pm Sunday afternoons on KRLX 88.1 fm (a service of Carleton College in Northfield, MN)! I promise Lady Gaga. Every single show. Gaga.
3 years ago
